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Dream Eater

Dreams fuel us. We move forward, pushing ourselves because of goals and dreams. Conversely, having your dreams dashed is devastating. I love Jeremy Camp's song, "I Still Believe," because we don't have to live in that devastation forever. When you're down, don't stay there. Get up. God not only CAN heal our hearts, He intends to. He wants to. It takes time and the loss we've experienced is often permanent, but God heals us, from the inside out.

The narcissist does not want you to have dreams and aspirations. He is stuck in a breach somewhere between 'was' and 'is.' The research indicates that the cause of this 'time warp freeze' is trauma in early childhood. They cannot mature beyond the age at which the trauma occurred.

If he can't, he doesn't want you to. My narcissist told me that he wanted and expected that I would show interest in his pastimes. But I have yet to see that reciprocated. When I have wanted to achieve something beyond my daily responsibilities, he has shot it down, sometimes viciously. In past years, this cruelty deeply wounded me. Now, because I see the ghosts behind his negativity, I can step back (This is new, so I'll let you know if I can maintain this level of mature detachment) and observe his inability to cheer me on. He simply can't. Just as you do not expect a blind person to see, you do not expect a narcissist to care about anything you want to do to further your ambitions. So, what do you do?

Be who you are. Live. 1. Always address him as an adult. You are one. 2. Listen respectfully to his viewpoint (even if he's not respectful) and share yours. (Okay, okay, I KNOW this is HARD..Practice, you'll get it - the detachment helps.) 3. Present your case without emotion. BUT you do not need to justify your position to him. (Remember, you're an adult and on equal ground with him.) 4. Make your plans and execute them (not HIM, THEM. he hem). Even if you fail, you'll never know what you can do unless you try. Failure is a learning opportunity, not a disgrace (in spite of his response, to the contrary). 5. If at any time during this process he 'goes off' on you, stand your ground without emotion.

If he gets violent, get out and get help immediately. 6. Sometimes the best response to diffuse the narcissist is to walk away. Just...use good judgment - you know your narcissist. I don't.

My narcissist has told me all the reasons you've ever heard about why I will not succeed at anything. If the winds shift and he will benefit from my success, I'm not, in his opinion, working hard enough to make it happen. (deploy deadpan face)

You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't, so you might as well choose your path and walk it. No, run!

He once told me he would no longer offer his opinion because I would just do what I wanted anyway. At the time he said this, I was deeply codependent so I back pedaled. DON'T DO THAT! Remember, you're an adult (I know I keep saying that, but it took me years to realize it). Don't believe the lie that you are disrespectful if you don't do everything he says. You are an intelligent person who can make intelligent choices. Besides, as much as they believe they are right, no one is 100% right 100% of the time.

Rise up, Young Padawan. Learn. Live. Dream. Become accomplished. Fail, and try again. You'll be amazed at how much you grow when you stop letting the narcissist run your life.

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